becalmed instead of stuck; drawn instead of driven

My friend, Kelly, was just lamenting about being
stuck. In fact, we hear this often from creatives or from people who feel they aren't making enough progress on their goals or their life lists.  I think the idea of being stuck is wrapped up in a faulty metaphor that we buy into without even knowing it.

"Everyone in the modern West has taken up Freud’s vocabulary, even if they’ve never studied psychology. We ask, “what is driving me to do this?”—usually not realizing that the origin of this way of explaining things is the Viennese originator of psychoanalysis, who said that we had within us certain drives (for example, a sexual drive) that maneuver us around. We claim, with this question, that there are these forces within us, both known and unknown, that are having us take action (or in some cases refraining from taking it).
Yet no one has ever seen “a drive.” That’s okay because no one has ever seen “happiness” either. We grew up learning these words in a particular culture, and when we observe certain behaviors, including how people speak and describe their experience, we say that a “drive” or “happiness” is present. The trouble begins when we forget that these words are descriptors and are not pointing to freestanding phenomena such as a mountain, a river, or a tree."
~ James Flaherty

Why did Freud use the word drive? 

Because the definition fit his theory - drive means "to push from
behind" as in a team of horses; as in a car.  We are immersed in the
metphors of a car culture.  We sing about life being a highway, we talk
about running out of gas and putting the pedal to the metal, we publish
amazing books on the importance of intrinsic motivation and erroneously
title them Drive. (yes, I'm looking at you, Dan Pink.) And this is why
we think we get stuck. We think there is some
unknowable force that needs to push us. Or that we need to push
ourselves.

Stuck is an extension of our metaphorical drive thinking, it implies a
linear process. Imagine a car stuck in the snow or mud - what do you
do?  You spin your wheels, you try to force it out by pushing from
behind. You gun it, pressing down on the gas pedal as fast and as far
as you can.

There is power in the words we use - the way we talk can bring us
freedom and open us up, or it can close us down. To quote James Flaherty
again, "Please start to notice when you begin speaking in a way that
ties you up in knots, that leaves you with few options for action, that
leaves you estranged from others [or from yourself- L], that leaves you
distraught."  I think that's what happens when we talk about being
stuck.

I'm proposing an alternate metaphor to describe this state/process. In
sailing the term used when the wind dies down such that the boat stops
moving is becalmed. Becalmed. Be. Calmed. Whoa, how cool is that?
That's a world away from stuck. Completely different energy in that
word.

And what do sailors do when their boat is becalmed?  Well, first of
all they recognize that it's a partnership - the boat is not completely
under their control - it moves due to a partnership between the wind
and the sailor.They have techniques for
ensuring they can make the most of any light wind that comes up, for allowing themselves to be drawn, rather than driven.

1. Lighten the weight - the heavier the boat, the more drag.  What's weighing you down?

2. Move towards the centre of the boat.  How can you move closer to that which moves you?

3. Seek the ripples - little ripples on the water tell you where the slightest wind is. What is making your heart flutter?

4. Minimize unnecessary movements - they rob you of momentum. Rest.

5. Use the current.  Where is the deeper flow that you can tap into? Create rituals and routines that can act as your  current.

6. Keep all movements slow and steady - quick, jerky movements keep your boat from gliding. Small steps.

7. Remember that even on the calmest days, a slight breeze always comes up as the sun begins to go down.  Don't panic.

Comments

[Kelly Diels]

Oh thank you thank you thank you.

I am adopting this frame, immediately.

You're all kinds of brilliant.

[Lindsey]

I love this.I adore sailing metaphors as they are what I grew up with. I quite recently mused on the notions of having drive and being driven (perhaps inspired by a conversation with you!) and this makes me think of it (obviously):http://www.adesignsovast.com/2010/03/having-drive-and-being-driven/I love this.Be. Calmed.

[Laura]

Love this.

I am an "ocean girl" and so this image resonates strongly with me -- though it's unfamiliar given my lack of sailing-specific experience.

There is also a good chance I'll steal your seven steps and copy them in my journal... for the times when "stuck" creeps back into the vernacular.

[Erika Harris]

Mmmm, wisdom of wind. Beautiful translation, Lianne.

[sophie_lila]

Very timely post, Lianne!

Yesterday, I found myself really struggling to get myself going, get to work, start doing *something*. No drive whatsoever. Then I decided to stop struggling, and just stay home and let go of everything, for those few hours; I realized that what I really needed then was to let myself be attentive, and be *with* myself (not merely *by* myself).

I like your interpretation of becalmed, and the sure sense that at some point, the wind will blow again.

[Jesse]

This morning I started my day with this tweet:

'Today's goal: be the stream that goes around the rock, instead of the boat that runs into it.'

And I had some stuff come my way today that would normally have me ramming my boat into the rock.

And all day I took deep breaths and visualized the stream.

It really worked.

Then tonight I found your post, and it all makes perfect sense.

[Alana]

Fantastic. I am printing this so I can look at it on the wall as I sit, becalmed, in the middle of my life.

[Tanya Geisler]

Impossible for me to tell you where you're wrong. It is an absolutely stunning metaphor that simply glides. Easy. Calm.

Thank you.

[gaby]

Sounds like how Christianity tells us how to live and approach life!!

[Heather Plett]

I love this Lianne. You are so wise.

And I have to tell you a little story. After reading this earlier today, I started to tackle a big project that has been a huge amount of stuck for me. It's icky partly because I'm dealing with some consultants on it and there are some challenges in the relationship lately and I just wanted to avoid it because it was sapping too much of my emotional energy. Big ol' pile of icky stuck.

But then I read your post and thought "Maybe it's not about being stuck. Maybe I just have to let this one sit for a bit." So I worked up the courage to email the consultants and say "I can't deal with this right now. I need to put it on the shelf and in two weeks, when I'm back from some re-energizing travel and I've survived our board meetings, I'll get back in touch with you."

After I did that, I sat down and cried. It felt like I had let something go and given myself some space.

Thank you.

[whollyjeanne]

drawn, not driven. becalmed, not stuck. 7 little ole' bitty stepping stones. yes, of course. it seems so simple when you put it like that.

[the whole self]

I'd not heard the term "becalmed" before, then it was used twice in one day. Someone else talked about it in a boating context too! Synchronicities - I just love them! And the messages they contain ...

[Tara Mohr]

so profound lianne, thank you so much.i love what you are pointing too about the limitations of our typical way of thinking about motivation and drive - and how the traditional notion of "stuck" itself gets us into an icky perhaps even more "stuck" place when use that term. i've always had an uneasy relationship with that term - it raises my heart rate and gives me a "i want to run" feeling whenever i hear it, and now i have a sense of why.i love your seven tools and will use them in my own life and with coaching clients!warmly,tara

[Bronwyn]

this is so beautiful Lianne! I love the way you call our attention to words, ask us to look and reframe. I love that you draw the magic out of words. thanks for this.

p.s. this is so funny - I was just filling in the little comment form to submit this and actually wrote my website thus:artfulwoman.calm

isn't that GREAT?

[Sue_Mitchell]

Brilliant! One of the most helpful things for me has been learning about the creative process and understanding that not all the phases of the process are visibly productive...in fact, one could argue that most are not. Interesting how we always leap to find fault with ourselves when we're in the less obviously productive stages of creativity. Love this calm and respectful way of looking at it.

[Biren Shah]

one of the few moments in my otherwise eloquent life, this has left me going in circles - betwen my heart and mind... all the mind can come up with is, words like 'brilliant', 'amazing'... and none comes even close to profiling what i am feeling just now.:)

it feels like, this is the gust of grace... that my sails were waiting for...and now with this blowing my sails, i will be once again off on my voyage.

thanks, LR.

[cypress sun]

beautifully written. i especially love #7. i almost always have a panic moment or hour in the early evening hours where i feel that i wasn't good enough in some way...or that everything is lost! when i allow that breeze to blow through, i can regain my calm.

[Louise]

Such beauty and gentleness and kindness in your writing. Such thoughtfulness. Such care.

Reading this has felt like sipping something soothing after my throat has been scratched raw from all the anxiety I've been swallowing.

Reading this has felt like I have entered a beautiful and peaceful garden, have taken off my shoes and am lying down on the grass, looking up and breathing in healing blue sky.

Calmed and nourished.

Thank you for this.xx

[Christa]

Becalmed is one of my very favorite words. I think of it as being in the "great in between" and have been practicing just sitting there, waiting for the breeze. Much prefer becalmed to the doldrums!

Thank you...